I am always tired. Perpetual tiredness. Ever since I started this new job. I come home from work, eat, and I am ready to go to bed. Unless I get to see Jo. Then I go see her, and wake up. She has that effect on me. I like being fully there to enjoy my time with her. I am not always, but I try.

Hopefully this goes away soon. Like Chris said, it is jet lag. My body has to get used to the new lifestyle. I think it will also help once I get something to do. Going to the gym, an evening job, something. I am going to go check into the y thing this week. See how much it costs to go there. I think going back to the gym will really help my system out. Energize me. That way I don’t just sit here. A bump on a log’

Going into debt doesn’t look like such a bad idea right now. 2.5 wks into my job, and already I need something else. Just like everything else in my life. The only thing that stays constant is Mama Bean and my family. They will always be there for me. Everything else’ *sigh* I need something’anything. I know this is just a passing thing, but it still sucks. I just want to go back to school. I never realized how much I valued knowledge until I went to CBC. I learned a lot about myself there. Like that I need people. I am not an island, like I used to think. I miss school. Not just CBC, but school in general. I get stuff out of reading, but it isn’t nearly the same. I need ideas to get me thinking. To talk to other ppl about the ideas, and my ideas. To find faults in what I am thinking so that I can change and improve.

I just want to go back to school. To leave all the politics at work behind. The stupidity and immaturity. To immerse myself in my studies, to not wake up at that ungodly hour of 6:30, only to go to a job with bitchy ppl, and work my ass off at mundane tasks’ What is the point? Really? For what reason am I here? How am I supposed to make others happy if I am not even happy?

I have but one source of fulfillment. Jo. And that isn’t allowed. She as told me that, and so did this book I am reading. Your partner can’t be your sole source of fulfillment. That means I need to find something else to do’ Which I am going to do. I need to. For my well-being, and those close to me.

I am just having a bad day. It will pass. I will work on improving my life, finding other sources to fulfillment. It will make me a better person, and a better boyfriend. *smile* Things will improve. I know they will. I will make sure.


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