Crushed

I watched, helplessly, as my plans fell apart before my very eyes. Normally I sabotage my own plans through my own false expectations and ideals. This time though, it was out of my control.

I went to the physiotherapist today, he played around for a bit and told me I probably had a stress fracture, that it would probably take about 6 weeks to heal. So he refered me to a foot specialist, saying that he might be able to get me back on my feet in 3 weeks. Hopefully. So with high hopes I called this doctor only to find that I would not be able to see him until June 3. Since I need to do my physical by the end of the month I am SOL. No army for me this summer. I was crushed, still am. I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t work at this job till the end of the summer. I won’t make enough money. That and I wouldn’t be able to stand it. What makes jobs and other such things bearable, is that I always know there is going to be an end. And that end is usually in sight. I know the end of the summer, the start of school is the end, but I have had my mind so set on the end being in June, that I will go nuts if I stay. It is this weird mindset I have with jobs. I just think I need to find something I really enjoy. But I have done alot of different jobs, and I haven’t really been happy yet. There have been moments in all my jobs, but I always reach a point where I just can’t stand it anymore and I need to move on. This seems to happen alot, unfortunatly.

So what am I going to do for the summer? Frame? Road construction? Landscaping? Labourer? All pay decently with lots of overtime, though all require a vehicle. *shrug* I dunno. I am still crushed about not being able to go. I had my heart so set on this. Everything was planned out. It was all worked out, ready to go off perfectly. Then this had to happen. WHY! What did I do? Did I fuck up? Is there some reason that I am not supposed to go? Some reason to stay? I just…

I am trying to look on the bright side though. I get to see lots of my Jo. A definite plus. We can go camping, I get to see Ani at the Folk Fest, I get to try that legendary cider, go to the stampede. Miss out on the dicipline, the yelling, the testosterone rush, the cock-wagging, the shooting and blowing shit up. The physical intensity. So much. I know just being here with Mama Bean makes up for it, but I so wanted to go. I want to cry, but I know that is just dumb. It just sucks.

I know this happened for a reason. For some reason or other, God deemed it necessary that I be here this summer. Why, I don’t know, but I am sure I will find out.

I will find something to do. Something to occupy my time. And look forward to the fall, and the beginning of school. I am excited about that. I am really looking forward to it,