More randomness…and explorations

Watching 2 back to back episodes of Grey’s Anatomy isn’t good for me. That is one and a half hours of continuous pain. But not a bad pain. It’s the kind of pain that lets you know you are a caring, compassionate human being, if a little sappy. See I’ve fallen in love with this show. I enjoy it more than Desperate Housewives now, which is saying alot. I even stopped myself from watching this weeks episodes because I hadn’t finished downloading and watching the previous week’s episodes. And it’s a good thing to because watching this weeks before last week would have left me so messed up and wondering what was going on.

In other news…

My dad went in for emergency surgery on Thurs. He went to emerg Thurs morning with severe abdominal pain, was admitted around noon and had surgery for appendicitis at 3pm. See it was kinda a big deal because the last time he was in the hospital it was because his gall bladder was gangrenous and about to explode, which would have killed him. But he is fine, and recovering at home. He was home the following day, where as most ppl are in teh hospital for a few days at least. He’ll be off work for up to 6 weeks, whereas when I heard he was out, I didn’t really think anything of it, and that he’d be back at work the following week. Boy was I wrong.

Our wedding blog is updated as well. Mama Bean is currently working on the layout and whatnot, so it’s under continuous construction for the next little bit here. You can check it out here After “Yes”…Before “I Do”…Planning our Wedding.

I’m sad. I miss people. But it is so hard to go out. Not because I’m lazy. But because I’m scared. I fear social interaction. Yesterday, after watching American History X I learned that life is too short to be pissed off all the time. To be so full of hate. But what about fear? Isn’t life to short to be full of fear? Fear and anxiety. Fear of people. Not of people, but of interacting with them. Of small talk. Of not knowing what to say, what to do. I’m lonely, but I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to meet with people. It is so much work. It is so stressful. It’s scary. What if I don’t do something right, or say the right thing? But it isn’t even that. It is something else. Something…something different. It scares me enough that I think I make myself physically ill in order to avoid the situation. Not conciously. But there is something wrong. And when I do force myself to go out, to interact with people, sometimes it will go well. I can say the right things, people will laugh, will respond, will treat me decently. Sometimes I’ll know how to interact with people and not feel like…like I don’t know. It’s just a feeling. And sometimes things don’t go so well, and that feeling is there. That feeling of inadequacy. Of…of awkwardness, of fear.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t like this. I don’t like being a hermit, but just forcing myself to go out doesn’t work. I need to find another route. Another way of approaching this.


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