Broken Connection

Lately, I’ve been feeling like a intellectual Christian as opposed to a feeling Christian. A head Christian instead of a heart Christian. And this feeling is just reinforced as I study Christianity in school.

I hear stories of  experiences with God and feel like I’m missing something. I don’t have those experiences. I don’t have those God Moments. As an intellectual individual, I know what I’m supposed to feel, I know what I’m supposed to believe, I know the faith that I am supposed to have, but it just doesn’t feel genuine because I don’t have those experiences. My head knows I have faith and belief, but for some reason that connection isn’t being made with my heart, my soul.

Sometimes I think I have these moments, but I wonder if it is just my subconscious making it up.

One of the men in my Wednesday morning small group/Bible study always tells us of these experiences of God working through him. He talks about the time the Holy Spirit did this and that, and how Satan told him to do this, but the Holy Spirit gave him strength. He uses the language, and has the conviction. Now I don’t know if he’s just putting the words to feelings, or how it works exactly, but I don’t have that. Some would say it is a lack of faith, but I think I have faith. Lots of it. I’m just missing that… factor. I don’t know what it is.

I want to feel the Holy Spirit within me. I want to feel God’s direction. I want to be tempted by Satan and prevail thorough the strength given to my by the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I just feel like I could take every day experiences, add that language to it, and there we go. But it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like other people explain it.

Christianity isn’t something I feel, so much as it is something I think. I don’t know how to go about changing this though. I’ve tried reading the Bible, but even that has become sterile.

I don’t read the Bible and find spiritual wisdom, I find history, and theology, and stories. Stories of peoples’ experiences with God. Stories that are supposed to help me connect with God, but they don’t. Instead I focus on a critical reading of the Bible. Who wrote the story, why did they write it? What as the significance of this word or that. What historical or cultural lens were they looking through when it was written? I read it from a critical, intellectual point of view, and can’t seem to get back to reading it as a spiritual document.

I have this longing for a closer connection with God, but can’t seem to find it.


3 thoughts on “Broken Connection

  1. I’m not sure what to say here except “Me too”.
    But I often wonder how much of people’s experiences are just things they manufacture or interpret through a certain lens. I think that more often than not, that’s the case.
    For me, those “feeling” moments are few and far between – but I’m not as put off by it as I once was before. I’m also learning to let my head lead my heart at times – like when I’m doing a service at the continuing care centre, and it’s just a gong show with people sleeping/coughing/talking to themselves/etc – just a mess. I don’t feel anything great at those times, but then I let my head remind my heart that being present with those people is a very holy thing – and God’s pleased with that – and so even though I don’t “feel” anything grand – I at least know that something great is actually taking place – unseen – unfelt – but still real. And then I kind of start to “feel it”. I like to think that all the tasks of parenting are pretty sacred too – there’s a lot of “feeling” to be found in the everyday actions of serving a child.
    Man I’m feeling incoherent today.
    Also, I’ve been starting to work some spiritual practice into my life (praying the hours, sabbath, etc) – and this is a huge thing I think. McLaren’s “Finding Our Way Again” is an intro to a new series of books that explore the topic. great stuff.

  2. I am with you on that one. I want to say something “theological”, but I don’t even know how to do that! 🙂 I can’t say that I have ever had a “God” moment, so to say, but I do know that when I look at Wendell and Dylan I realize over and over how amazing our God is! At this point, that is enough for me.

  3. I think that everyone I know (and have had an honest conversation with) has a friend that talks the talk and wants to feel the same way as them. With being a pk I have talked to countless people about God. (Not saying that normal ppl don’t) There are people that feel God every second of everyday, there are people that ‘say’ they do and their are people that experiance faith through their head and not their hearts. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact Lee Strobel wrote a whole series for people who experiance faith like that.(The case for Christ, the case for faith etc etc) Some people just arnt feelers and we feelers need more logical faith types to balance us out. That was point 1 (lol) point 2 is that I have struggles with not feeling God recently, which is bad cause I’m a feeler!! Anyway, I have come to believe that anywhere I see or feel love is an experiance of God. ESPECIALLY with my daughter.Love=God. So the logical jump is that any extension of love is God. If all else fails, just ask Bean. He still remembers God. 😀

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