Lately, I’ve been feeling like a intellectual Christian as opposed to a feeling Christian. A head Christian instead of a heart Christian. And this feeling is just reinforced as I study Christianity in school.
I hear stories of experiences with God and feel like I’m missing something. I don’t have those experiences. I don’t have those God Moments. As an intellectual individual, I know what I’m supposed to feel, I know what I’m supposed to believe, I know the faith that I am supposed to have, but it just doesn’t feel genuine because I don’t have those experiences. My head knows I have faith and belief, but for some reason that connection isn’t being made with my heart, my soul.
Sometimes I think I have these moments, but I wonder if it is just my subconscious making it up.
One of the men in my Wednesday morning small group/Bible study always tells us of these experiences of God working through him. He talks about the time the Holy Spirit did this and that, and how Satan told him to do this, but the Holy Spirit gave him strength. He uses the language, and has the conviction. Now I don’t know if he’s just putting the words to feelings, or how it works exactly, but I don’t have that. Some would say it is a lack of faith, but I think I have faith. Lots of it. I’m just missing that… factor. I don’t know what it is.
I want to feel the Holy Spirit within me. I want to feel God’s direction. I want to be tempted by Satan and prevail thorough the strength given to my by the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I just feel like I could take every day experiences, add that language to it, and there we go. But it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like other people explain it.
Christianity isn’t something I feel, so much as it is something I think. I don’t know how to go about changing this though. I’ve tried reading the Bible, but even that has become sterile.
I don’t read the Bible and find spiritual wisdom, I find history, and theology, and stories. Stories of peoples’ experiences with God. Stories that are supposed to help me connect with God, but they don’t. Instead I focus on a critical reading of the Bible. Who wrote the story, why did they write it? What as the significance of this word or that. What historical or cultural lens were they looking through when it was written? I read it from a critical, intellectual point of view, and can’t seem to get back to reading it as a spiritual document.
I have this longing for a closer connection with God, but can’t seem to find it.